When someone kicks you off their island, it stings (a lot), BUT you WILL survive. Your position on that island and the circumstances of getting kicked off are directly proportional to how long it might take. Stay strong, be kind (to yourself and others), make what ever changes are necessary and survive. Relationships naturally ebb and flow as life circumstances and priorities change. Navigating those take effort and love – this isn’t about that. This is about being put in your row boat and pushed out beyond the breakers.
A dear friend and I were talking last week about a situation where there was a misunderstanding, and he was unceremoniously kicked off a family member’s island. He was hurting and trying to figure out what to do. As we chatted, we came up with a plan. Here are five of the top things to do to help preserve everyone’s hearts.
Realize that it is most likely more about them than you. Even if you made a mistake (not one of us gets off this Earth without making a bunch of them), most reasonable people will be willing to talk to you about it and work it out, if you mean something to them. Unless you are a complete asshole that goes around doing evil things (and therefore don’t deserve a chance to work it out), most will give that chance at some point. If they won’t, there’s a good chance something else is going on. You may know what it is, you may not. And sometimes it’s none of your business.
Perhaps they are dealing with some extreme emotional pain. Perhaps you are a target because they can’t direct all their anger at someone else. Perhaps they are in physical pain and can’t express themselves outside of that pain. Perhaps they need a villain for a mini-drama and it’s just your turn. There are endless reasons. When we are so wrapped up in what occurred (or what we think occurred), it’s difficult be self aware enough to understand our real motivations. Their feelings are their only reality and it’s absolutely their prerogative to maintain that as long as they need for their own survival. Be empathetic and try to see the big picture behind their actions – it can help sooth the initial sting of feeling hurt and betrayed. If you can try to understand the root of the motivation, it can also help with patience as you wait to see if they will come out of it. Be prepared that they may never be able to do that.
Reach out to them. Extend the olive branch – multiple times. Try to connect through multiple mediums. This one is going to require a thicker skin. You are going to get rejected…and each time it’s going to rip open that hurt in your heart…do it anyway. Be strong and make yourself vulnerable – if it works and you eventually break through, it is absolutely worth the effort. Even if it doesn’t work, it’s worth the effort.
There is a good chance your efforts will be ignored or left out of plans you would normally have been part of – press through it and ask again. Now, if the other person very clearly tells you to stop, respect that – time to move on. There is also a time when you’ve asked and asked, but they are not interested in making the time. You will know in your heart when that time comes – then it’s time to understand your own boundaries and move on. If they respect you, they will not require you to suffer a public allocution to earn a place at the table of friendship and love.
Stop the gossip. One of the most damaging things when people are hurting is their need to express it and try to convince everyone that they are ‘right’. Just don’t. The difficult thing is that if you still care for the other person, you will be curious what is going on in their life. Even trying to stay up to date on that will look like gossip, so tread lightly. It’s probably inevitable that if you talk about anything related to the island, it’s going to get back to the other person. If it does, it will only be heard through their current filter of feelings about you and your situation. Even if you don’t intend for it to seem ugly, they will probably interpret that your motivations are not sincere – that will only make the healing harder.
You will be tempted to talk to mutual friends/family to convince them and justify your feelings. That is not respectful of them – it puts them in the middle. If your only bonding with others is through gossip, then it may be time to reevaluate that friendship. It’s hard to turn that mirror on yourself and admit that you’ve been engaged in harmful gossip – but it’s so freeing once you admit it and move on to healthier connections and friendships. PS – it doesn’t mean you’ll never have another conversation about others or their situations, it means that you gain real self awareness, understand your motivations, and adjust your conversations and actions to remove the harmful.
If you have to move on, understand the grieving process. It happens. There could come a time where you have to accept that someone isn’t interested in healing the relationship or doesn’t consider you worth the time to try. It has ZERO to do with your actual worth – it’s just their interpretation within their own reality. If that happens, you are going to grieve. We all grieve relationships. One thing to remember is that when it happens, we tend to focus and grieve the relationship as we hoped it would be, not always how it actually was. We remember the laughter, the spectacular times, and the love that we craved. We tend to forget the unanswered communications, the tears caused by careless words and actions, and the hurt that we endured. All relationships have good and bad – because we are all human – it doesn’t make it any less valuable. Keep it all in perspective, but err on the side of giving the benefit of the doubt.
When you grieve a relationship, you go through the five stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Sadness and eventually Acceptance. It’s not a linear process – you are going to bounce between all of them multiple times as you work through it. We all do. Build your self awareness and try to navigate them. Don’t deny yourself your emotions – own them and let them process. The middle three stages are where we are in danger of doing the most harm – that’s where the hurt is still raw and we want to lash out. It’s normal to think and to feel it – just don’t do it. Thinking something is very different than actually doing it. Meditation helps! You can do it!!
Be kind, and stay authentic to yourself. The two can coexist nicely. Nobody likes to get kicked off the island. If it happens to you, you first have to realize that it has nothing to do with your worth in any aspect of your life (as a sister, brother, daughter, son, mother, friend, wife, husband, etc.). It simply means that either there is a misunderstanding that needs to be repaired or that particular relationship has run its course. Many times there are underlying reasons that have nothing to do with you. Do everything in your power to try and fix it, but balance that with your own boundaries.
Someone else’s opinion of you does not define you or even correctly describe you – you do not have to accept that opinion, and definitely do not have to suffer any abuse – outright or passive aggressive – to convince someone to let you back on. You do not have to apologize for the wrongs people make up to justify their ongoing pain. Having boundaries does not make you toxic, unloving or unworthy. Review your actions and make sure you are being as kind as possible – if you make a mistake, apologize and show you mean it by changing your actions. And always remember, you deserve that same kindness.
Have you been kicked off an island? How did you survive? Have you ever been let back on the island and were you able to repair the damage? Do you have any other (keep it kind!) suggestions?
Make it a great day!
It’s CFRS – positively.